“Perfectionism is a contemporary menace for women on many fronts. In the midst of our confusing world, the perfect woman is supposed to attain it all — have a career, look good on the job, be available to their kids by 6 p.m., make healthy, homemade meals, have connecting family conversation at dinner, and pay attention to adult intimate relationships. This is tremendous pressure. In my clinical office I hear how many women think they “should” not have gone to work so early and “should” have stayed home with their kids, and then from the ones who stayed home, I hear how they regret not having had a career. The pressure is topped off by the requirement that having it all goes with attaining the thin body ideal. For too many women, whatever success they can claim is wiped out by their inner critic if they are not “thin enough.”

These kinds of standards leave many women struggling with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and exhaustion in the quest to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, career woman, etc.

Orange County: Perfectionism’s Playground

If Perfectionism were an evil villain, its’ playground would be Orange County. Southern California seems to have more of a particular emphasis on looks and status than other areas of the country.  In my practice in Newport Beach, I hear endless stories from women about the pressures to be thin, beautiful, accomplished, “Supermom”, and socialize in the “right” circles.  I think mothers in particular suffer from the wrath of Perfectionism, as they try to be not only all those things but also an attuned, amazing mother who throws fabulous birthday parties, volunteers in the classrooms, and disciplines her children in correct and appropriate ways.  It’s no wonder that in women’s efforts to “be it all”, they end up losing themselves.

Embrace Your “Good Enough”

It’s a new year, and as always, we have all made our lists of goals and in some cases, states of perfectionism, we all hope to achieve. Maybe this year, however, your goal should be to embrace your “good enough”.  Be a “good enough” parent- maybe forgo stress induced birthday party and just focus on giving your children more one on one.  Be  a  ”good enough” body weight- maybe with a little squish to the tummy but with less intensity and time focused on staying toned and trim. Be a “good enough” person- carefully pick the things that mean the most to you and let all the excess “shoulds” fall by the wayside.

If we as women could all lower our standards a little about how “perfect” we need to be, chances we will come to find that even on our worst day, our “good enough” is more than enough.

Besides just the day to day list of things that need to get done, I’d like to highlight some of the more subtle and yet equally demanding requirements today’s mothers are faced with.

Why is this so hard?

It’s hard because whether someone articulates it to you or not, as a mother, these are the expectations you absorb:

• Raise happy, healthy, moral children who are bonded to you and yet are independent.
• Make your home a haven- including decorating, organizing, cleaning,- ideally like a magazine spread.
• Stay informed in all the latest scientific research about caring for your child’s physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and intellectual well-being and execute it properly.
• Have a sexy, passionate, equal, emotionally connected, fulfilling marriage.
• Have a career or separate self outside the home.
• Lose your baby weight immediately and try to physically erase or minimize any trace that you actually had a child
• Stay up on trends. Be fashionable. Stay sexy.
• Do it on your own- with little help from family, friends, or community.
• Stay balanced, serene, and grateful for the experience of being a mother.

I could continue to add to this list, but hopefully you get the point. The expectations we hold mothers to, that we hold ourselves to, are endless and let’s face it- near impossible. We always feel like we are failing because we can never do and be all these things. Even we did “master” this list- no one is around to give us the recognition.

Expectations of Mothers

The discourse our society holds about what mothers should and should not be hover over us as we go throughout our days. They are inescapable and keep us frazzled, frustrated, and feeling bad about ourselves.  While there are no easy solutions to these problems, we can at least shine the light on these expectations so we know when they are working on us. We can begin to choose what is realistic for us, and what we are just not going to be bothered with.  It requires being gentle with ourselves, and letting go of some of these expectations we hold ourselves to.

‘Cause You Gotta Have Friends

One of the saving graces of the craziness of motherhood is your relationship with other mothers. Women who are in the trenches with you, women who are living your reality, and who can comfort and aide you in a way that no other can. But if you are a new mother, there is not always a readily available group of mothers to step into. So you have to seek it out. You have to proactively make Mommy Friends, which can be awkward and uncomfortable at first. If you are not a “joiner”, now might be the time to become one.

OC Moms Groups

Orange County is filled with resources for mothers, including some excellent options for Mother’s Groups. There are countless options for getting out of the house with your baby and meeting other moms.  One great option is the MOPS ( Mothers of Preschoolers)program, which is a national program that partners up with individual churches to offer support and community for mothers of young children. The MOPS program at Mariner’s Church in Newport Beach is excellent, with amazing childcare and informative speakers ( plus you get a hot breakfast! What would be better!). I myself have greatly benefited from this group, and my children love it. They are currently doing registration for Spring Session and slots fill up fast so I recommend registering sooner than later. ( Note: This program is open to anyone with a child under the age of 5. Babies too!)

If you don’t want a group with a religious affiliation, Moms Club is another great resource and is organized by where you live, so you will be with a group of women who live in the same neighborhood as you.  Whatever you are looking for- you can probably find it- OC Family magazine has a wonderful comprehensive list of all the moms clubs available in Orange County.

So widen your circle. Whatever it is, a moms group or just a regular group of moms to meet at the park, having community with other women who are in the same stage of life as your can be a tremendous help in enriching and supporting your experience of motherhood.

Just more research confirming that a happy mother makes a happy child.

Jerry Large | Jerry Large: The science of healthy children | Seattle Times Newspaper.

In the final post in this series on Raising an Unbreakable Child, I’d like to discuss the third factor identified in resilient children, namely, extended community.

Organic community is declining rapidly in this country. We move away from our families for jobs, we have one hundred “friends” on Facebook but don’t know our neighbors, we are hesitant to be “joiners” of anything from churches to clubs to sports leagues. We can easily live in our cars and inside our houses, creating a bubble around our families with little meaningful connections to the outside world.

It Really Does Take a Village

Creating Community

Creating new relationships can be uncomfortable, especially if you do not consider yourself a “joiner” or a “social” person. But it is not as scary as you think- it just requires someone being willing to make the first gesture.

This past weekend we had our first neighborhood “Halloween Block Party”. Neighbors I had never even seen before emerged from their houses eager to meet each other. Children made new friends and played for hours in driveways. It was a success, and now our neighborhood feels a little more cohesive.

Some Suggestions for Building More Community:

1) Have a neighborhood block party/cookie exchange/potluck. Pass out fliers and see who comes!

2) Ask a close friend to be a “special friend” to your child, to take a particular interest in your child, especially if they have a common interest. ( this is sort of like a “godparent”). One of my best friends who doesn’t have children is a special person in my daughter’s life, attending my daughter’s dance recitals and such. They have their own bond and I know my daughter can confide in her when the inevitable ” my mom is so uncool” teenage years hit.

3) Join a church. There are countless churches that reflect a variety of spiritual beliefs, and being part of a larger community with shared values is an excellent way for finding others who will be invested in your children’s well being. If you are not a religious person, try a country club or community center. The important part is having a regular place you go as a a family where people know you.

4) Create a regular “playgroup” with other mothers who have children the same age. Meet consistently and find ways to have meaningful interactions- perhaps engaging in a playgroup community service project. I am part of playgroup that has been meeting every other Friday since my daughter was 15 months. There are now twelve plus kids and six mommies who regularly see my children and enrich our lives.

Whatever feels right for you, the important thing is to get out of your comfort zone and get something going. Populate your children’s lives and you will see the long-term benefit.

It is in our families that we learn about who we are. Our families shape our values, our life skills, our ways of interacting with others, what we think about ourselves. The family is one of the most, if the not the most, influential factor in our children’s lives.

Make Your Family A Safe Place

As parents, I believe the most important thing we can do is provide a safe place for our children, and by this I mean an unconditionally loving and supportive environment.   In counseling, I have seen countless individuals who will not live the life they prefer for fear of losing the love and approval from parents or siblings. Our children need to be able to become who they are without the fear of it threatening the relationships with those they love most.

Loving and supporting our children sounds like a no-brainer for most parents. We do that instinctively every day. But creating a safe place can be quite challenging if you are really paying attention to the messages you are sending your children.  How many children receive the message that they will only be loved if they are obedient, successful, “good”, popular? How many children are seeking their parents approval through grades, sports, gestures, or “being more like their sister/brother.” Sending the message that you love your child “just the way they are” takes conscious effort and intentional communicating.

I Love  You Just The Way You Are

Repeat that phase to your child often. “You are so special to me. I love you just how you are.”  List the things that you love about them. Tell them often you want them to be happy. Help them find the things that make them happy.

Try to listen without judgment. Try to listen without reacting to quickly. If your child anticipates that you will have a set negative reaction to what they are going to say, they are not going to say it. A must read book to develop this skill is “How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk” by Faber and Mazlish.  You can express disapproval and disappointment in your child’s behavior without it negatively effecting your child’s sense of feeling loved by you.

It is inevitable that your child will face difficulties and challenges. It will happen. And the ability to meet these challenges, the resiliency it requires, will be greatly strengthened if you can make your family a safe place and haven for your child.

Help Them Know Who They Are

Internal makeup is your child’s inner world- how they feel about themselves, their abilities, where they see themselves fitting into the world.  It is important that we help our children identify their skills and abilities and give them the language to understand who they are.

One example of how to do this I learned from the great parenting gurus, Richard and Linda Eyre. ( their amazing parenting site is here ).  Ever so often, they would write the first initial of a talent their children possessed on each of their five fingers. So they would write “A” for “artist” or “F” for friend. This not only helps your child identify their talents, but then be reminded of them as they walk around with these letters on their fingertips ( or until they washed off!).

Acknowledge when your child exhibits these talents or qualities ( “You are so good at fixing things. How did you come up with that? “) Give your child opportunities to use these skills ( “ You have a real talent for writing. Do you think you could  write a story for your little sister?”)

If you help your child know who they are, they won’t have to look to the world to tell them.

We all want our children to “be happy”, but unfortunately, that is not something that we as mothers can guarantee.  Life is complicated and maintaining “happiness” over the course of a lifetime is an impossible task. When in engaged in therapy with my clients, I have a front row seat to the challenges life can present and have witnessed the many ways people react to them.  Some people blame, act out, rage, avoid, deny, retreat, or give up.  Others process, react, mourn, discover, change, or become strengthened by their trials. Many are somewhere in between the two.  The bottom line is, we will all have our struggles, but how we respond to them will be the defining characteristic of our overall well being. And that characteristic is called resilience.

re·sil·ience: noun,

1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position,etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

As a mother, I have concluded that my own “parenting finish line” is to try and raise resilient children, meaning, people who can meet the challenges of life, grow from them, and be strengthened by them.

3 Factors of Resilient Children

There have been numerous studies about what determines resiliency in a person, especially in children. Researchers have identified many contributors, but there are three factors that show up in study and study that are attributed with heavily influence resiliency in a child. They are:

1) Internal Makeup

2) Immediate Family

3) Extended Community

As mothers, these are three things we can greatly influence. I will be writing a following post series that goes more in depth into each of these factors and ways that we as parents, can instill in our children the priceless gift of resiliency.

The Great Myth of Perfection

With the constant stream of movies, magazines, and advertising that barrage us with images of what an “ideal woman” looks like, it is near impossible not to fall into a trap of constant evaluation and judgment of ourselves. It is almost inevitable that we will get caught up in the mass marketing machine that sells us a false promise- that  if we just “try a little harder” we might just get to that outward perfection of beauty . That if we exercise more, buy more, inject more, starve more, we will be that much closer to the images of women that are embedded into our brains, and closer we are to that image, the more valued, admired, and powerful we will be.
As a mother, I am in constant worry about how to shield my daughter from the damaging messages aimed at women, that beauty vortex that sucks the self esteem of young women and influences so many of their choices.  Even as a grown woman, I am susceptible to these messages and have to work at staying conscious of the power I am giving them.  I was to instill in my daughter a knowledge that her worth is not defined by her looks, and I know that raising a daughter in Orange County may be particularly challenging. Just take one visit to Fashion Island,where beautiful people and $200 price tags are the norm, and it’s easy to see how quickly teenage girls absorb the message that what they wear and how they look defines their worth.

Awareness is the First Step

One of the first steps to proactively protecting your daughter from these negative messages aimed at women’s self worth is to become aware of them. Awareness is always the first step towards change. These messages are so insidious, so subtle, so commonplace that we don’t even realize we are absorbing them.  There is an excellent film entitled “Killing Me Softly” that dissects this issue and is a powerful tool for starting a conversation with your daughter. It is a “must-see” for every woman.

We cannot just sit by idly as mothers and just hope that our daughters won’t fall prey these powerful media messages. If we don’t show them and tell them what defines their worth, the media will.

Motherhood can sometimes feel like running a marathon. Exhausted, frazzled, at times overwhelmed, we are just trying to put one foot in from of the other to stay in the race, finding a moment or two to catch our breaths and then pushing on through.  We are trying to “get through the day”, cross off things on the “To-Do” list, keep the momentum going so we don’t fall behind. At times, it is difficult to envision crossing the finish line when we are just trying to stay in the race.

What does your finish line look like?

Take a moment to answer this question:

If motherhood is a marathon, what does your finish line look like? What is your INTENTION? Where are you trying to get to? What is it you really want you children to know when they leave your care?

As any runner knows, you can’t just show up on the day of a marathon and “wing it”.  It takes planning, training, nourishmnet, endurance. It is a process. You have to envision the finish line, know what it looks like, and what it will take to get you there.

It is the same with parenting. You have to know what your intention is when you are making decision as a parent. What are the life lessons you hope your children learn? What memories will they have? What kind of values do you hope to instill in them? What words will they later recall? What will they come to know about themselves? About you?

Know Where You are Going

As mothers, we must know where we are going before we know how we are going to get there.  Once we have a vision of what our end goal is, we can plan, prepare, strategize, and be INTENTIONAL with how we are raising our children.

If we put in the effort to mother our children from a place of purpose and intention, our children will reap the benefits exponentially. Knowing what our end goal looks like helps us make our parenting decisions with clarity, grace, and intention. And when we cross the finish line of our own marathon of motherhood, we can know that, whatever the outcome, it was a race well run.